BREAKING NEWS: Duke loses its Accreditation

DURHAM, N.C.– In a shocking turn of events Duke University has lost its accreditation and will be forced to close its doors after a series of comments made by Duke alumni JJ Redick and Kyrie Irving on Mr. Redick’s podcast this past week. Irving, who attended the university in 2010 and Redick, a graduate of the class of 2006 discussed a series of conspiracy theories and pseudoscientific, quasi spiritual topics during a free flowing conversation that had the unfortunate luck of being recorded . Mr. Irving, who is a noted “flat earther”– an individual who believes that the earth is flat and Mr. Redick, a dinosaur denier will roughly make a combined $41 million dollars playing professional basketball this year.

Duke University, which was already on probation from regional accreditation bodies following Irving’s original flat earth comments last year, was devastated when they learned of the embarrassing comments made not by one, but two former students. While speaking about the credibility of the flat earth theory, Irving stated that “…Cause I was just ready to blurt out ‘Flat earth man! It’s a conspiracy theory. They wanna get us!’ and you know you start thinking about it, it’s just like the actual intent behind it was just like do your own research…” When asked what sources informed Irving’s research he explained “When I actually said it though, I had been watching a bunch of Instagram videos.” Irving detailed how he followed a number of specific Instagram pages dedicated to promoting conspiracy theories related to flat earthers, geoengineering and chemtrails. Redick explained “I’m wrong on this, I know I’m wrong on this, but I’m not entirely convinced dinosaurs existed. I’m not.” He also suggested that after watching a documentary on 9/11, he doesn’t necessarily believe it was an “inside job” but found it “thought provoking” nonetheless and that Taco Bell’s new marketing campaign signaled that the “Illuminati are taunting us.” A full transcript can be read here  and audio here.

jj-redick.jpgHours after the comments were made public, the Commission on Colleges of the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools revoked its accreditation of the university, explaining that “Comments of this nature undermine the credibility of an institution of higher education and violate Code 5A. 866-72 which ensures that “Idiots are not accepted–unless its ASU.” The Duke community has been devastated by the news, as student protests grew violent this past weekend and parents sued the school for damages. The school vowed to appeal the decision but legal experts explained that reversing a decision of this magnitude is highly improbable. Duke president and graduate of the class of 1976, Wayne Carr, spoke to reporters outside the riotous campus. “I have been shocked and saddened by the news that we have been stripped of our accreditation following Mr. Irving and Mr. Redick’s comments. All I can offer in solace is that I personally pinned them as halfwits from the moment they walked on this once proud campus.”

Students in a fit of rage began burning garbage cans and breaking windows on campus, even looting from the freshman cafe. Chants could be heard throughout the furious night which included “My dad can fire your dad!” and “But we’re rich!” Ten injuries were reported to Durham Police but DPD failed to disclose the number of broken egos. We spoke with a rioting student on the condition of anonymity who stated bluntly “I blame Coach K.”

Some are hoping that if the school fails to win its appeal, perhaps it can reopen as an alternative educational facility. Suggestions such as “Grayson Allen Tripping School” and “How To Pay Your Players and Get Away With It” administered by Professor Mike Krzyzewski have been floated as possible solutions but perhaps Kyrie Irving himself would be interested in opening up one of his own meditation facilities so that other people could open up their “Third Eye” as he claims he has.  

This has been a mighty fall for a university that includes notable alumni such as Apple CEO Tim Cook, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, Melinda Gates of the Gates Foundation and former President Richard Nixon. The school has been home to four Nobel Prize winners and countless breakthroughs in research and development. The school opened in 1838 and will now be closing its doors in 2018–one hundred and eighty years later. Tears have been shed, souls shaken, promises broken and yes, rivals delighted.

The Duke community is now left with the lingering question of “Where to go from here?” Perhaps the only suitable answer to that million dollar question is, of course, to do your own research.

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